After Chris and I got married last year, everyone instantly began to nag about when we were going to have kids - hints were thrown, jokes were made and "so whens the baby coming" was asked more regularly then "how are you". Close friends & family all knew we were ready and didn't want to wait long (forgiven) but during this time I realized how much we involve ourselves in other peoples lives without always considering what may or may not be going on. So many people struggle to have children and its easy to ask "so whens little one coming" without considering what asking that question may feel like to someone having problems?
At face value, I am a high energy, brave, independent person who seems to just get on with it :) - for those who know me a little better, I do also worry, stress and take on a lot of what goes on around me - keeping busy may be the way I cope with whats going on - but sometimes it does all fall apart.
I have cried a lot lately, and whilst there are days that tears come for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON AT ALL, the past few times have been tears of worry, anxiety and love. Regardless of reasons, to most nothing at all was going on with me and the smallest question like "how are you" made me want to curl up in to a ball and just cry, because I didn't want to think or even know about how I was feeling or what was going on. I don't like to be down so when these days or moments come - I NEED to keep going, keep busy, be pro-active and this often contributes to an even worse melt down in the end.
Time has passed and things have gotten better and easier - I look back at how I dealt with it all and wonder if i could have been more calm and rational but know that my heart is soft and nothing could have taken away the worry and stress this time. I am so grateful for the love and support I get from my family and wonder how people do life alone.
Teary, tired and hobbeling, I visited my Colleen for a reset - because sometimes after all that, its not about trying to change the way we acted, but accepting that's how I felt, coped and then just starting over.
Reiki for energy, a massage for my sore & tired hands, feet and head. Myself and the baby were renewed with energy and given a chance to be quiet and reflect on it all. Tea and chats and it was time to just start over :).
We are on a beautiful journey together and with only 6 weeks to go - I cannot wait to meet this special little person - already strong, courageous and wild...